Hola, my tiny turnips! With jolly Jupiter, the lord of fortune in your sign, you're doubtless bragging about your accomplishments, putting on weight and wittering on about overseas trips and friends in high places. But beware, I say unto you, for manic May will take you down a peg or two with a serve of cosmic mayhem.
Attend me, hircine horrors! It is I, Asperitus, the declamatory doctor of destiny, come to deliver your dose of prognostications of the vile and bitter kind. Pin back your nasty goatish ears lest I scorch them with a blast of coruscating disparagement.
The month begins badly as mischievous Mercury clatters into cretinous Gemini and gropes the aged bones of lugubrious Saturn. As the ruler of illness, misery and death begins moving forward, communications from overseas will go awry, legal determinations will go against you and ghastly in-laws will arrive without notice to watch your home theatre and eat everything in the refrigerator. You will argue with foreigners while academics will correct your speech and punctuation.
But what's this? By my sainted aunt, an odious New Moon comes in cloddish Taurus and you have a sordid affair, cook spicy food and try to write a book about your marvellous life. However, as jolly Jupiter turns retrograde and marauding Mars batters his way into lackwit Leo, you lose interest in writing and instead spend a fortune on a sex toy. You indulge in fornication, drugs and alcohol, collect your loose change in a jar and buy a second sex toy so you can have an orgy.
As the Full Moon comes in evil Scorpio, you invite friends around to make whoopee with the sex toys but, as the great Sol Invicti rolls and clatters into nitwit Gemini, your friends are repulsed and tell everyone at work about your peculiar habits. As mischievous Mercury gropes the body of Uranus, the idiot god, people point and laugh at you in the office and on the street. They call out derisively, asking if you have any plans to go into rubber or plastics.
As the busy messenger moves to perverse reverse, you get into your car and drive right at these offensive types then fly to the hills to dwell in solitude until you've worked how to bankrupt everyone that's insulted you. There we leave you, sad, alone and brooding with Saturn as your only friend. That is your tragedy. Ave!
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